And when I was there.

And when I was there,

I said.

"Why are all if you sitting here?"

They stared.

Nothing was said for a brief few seconds.

Deafening;

Deafening;

Silence.

"But what about justice?"

I asked to them;

"What about it?"

They rebutted;

nonchalant.

"But what about humanity?"

I asked to them;

"We don't have any"

said they;

unruffled.

As we witnessed an innocent;

innocent;

person get burned;

Poked with sticks;

Doused with oil;

Burned Alive.

And that was all that could be said about humans;

The general rule.

Be he a teacher,

a student,

a lover,

a hater,

a ruler,

a peasant.

Be she a warrior,

a writer,

a dancer,

a singer,

a tyrant,

or a friend.

Selfish.

Unforgiving.

Humans.

Ian.

Whyyyy!@#!

Mother CIBAI. I can't seem to get him out of my head.

Fuck it that I see him everywhere I turn.

Stupid infatuation, go away already,

I don't need you here.

Ian.

Fine, I lied.

Something has become apparent to me. There are many people I cannot stand living with, and there are some I can. Those who I can have one really prejudice criteria that I'm just force to pronounce.

Their Asian.

It's hard to live with someone that I don't have anything in common with. It may be shallow, but it's the hard truth. I've imagined myself living with white people a few times, and even in my mind it's just not happening. Some close friends I have just make it seem impossible for me to get along with them in a room-mate setting.

I think even If I did get married, that person would have to be Asian, otherwise I wouldn't be able to live myself down.

And so I thought of him.

Not saying that my current roommate sucks though,

he's a great guy and all, but we currently aren't technically

"living together."

We get along very well, though.

I don't think I'll give up,

just because I've already formed this stupidly unreal dream in my head.

I won't try anything.

but maybe one day he'll feel the same.

Ian.

Once again.

Another very inappropriate time to dive into some blogging.

T-minue 2 hours till exam time, and I'm not 3/4 ready.

But anyway.

Isn't it amazing how alcohol makes things so much better? I mean, i have to admit, I was very very very very very very very anxious last night. It was mostly attributed to the whole boy mess that I created to myself. Usually, it would take me a really long time to get over something like that.

But it was weird this time.

I took 2 shots of McCormicks before I started studying at like 3. (Kind of why I am where I am now.) and everything became clear again.

It was like someone hit the reset button within me and now my feelings are null again.

I thought of the negatives while I was drunk.

I guess it was like a state-like memory thing.

It's said you remember details of a situation better if you are in that same state again.

and I remember when I first saw him,

I was drunk then.

I realized why I didn't really bother in the first place.

because he was shallow,

and that one night blinded me from what was set right before me.

He just gave off such a shallow image,

that that one night at his place made me feel like as if he had a soul.

Maybe he does,

I'm actually very sure he does.

But not as much as I would really like in a person.

I'm not really trying to be arrogant in anyway here.

But given my bhuddist background, materialistic things have so far become unimportant to me.

I've learned that nothing is more important than one's belief in oneself,

or the strength of one's heart.

But I saw nothing of that in him that one night,

and my intuition was probably spot on.

Hence. I have come to a conclusion in my brain and my heart.

It was all an illusion.

and henceforth, I shall just remain his friend,

that is, if he would consider taking me.

Though,

I'm not exactly the friendliest person around.

Ian.

There are no boundaries.

Why do you hate yourself young boy,

stand up.

breathe.

live.

Why do you kill yourself inside?

stop it.

learn.

conquer.

Why do you want so much?

close your eyes.

don't limit yourself.

Why do you bind yourself here?

Fly.

Lift.

Take.

Why are you concerned of the world?

or the birds and the bees,

or the people that are in it.

You shouldn't care,

what anyone says.

There.

are.

no boundaries.

Ian.

So, there's this boy,

I've never really talked about a guy on my blog before. But I really don't care anymore.

So I met this guy. He's the most sophisticated, smart, handsome, and most importantly mature guy I've met for awhile. We met about 3 months ago at a party. I was ignored the entire night, he didn't even bat an eye at me, it seemed like he hated me.

About a week ago, I started talking to someone who knew him online. She posed this whole stunt so that this guy could text me, and he did, at like 3am in the morning, I was just playing magic cards, all was right. Turns out, he was just shy at the time.

Then at about 4am, he asked me over. Me, being the liberal douchebag I am, agreed, just because I thought he was that hot. We spent about an hour drinking wine (I was gulping it down.) and talking. It was, for me, a very very good experience to meet a guy I could connect with. I can't with most guys, it's weird.

I slept with him that night, drunk and inebriated.

Then the next few days was weird. I needed closure, I tried texting him, he never texted back. I tried talking to him on facebook, he didn't really reply. I was angry. I really, really needed closure.

At some point, I got a text saying that he was working all day and night and had really no time for socialization. I really doubted it to be the case, it doesn't take a lot of effort to return a text.

I became obsessed. Facebook opened up a whole new path to stalking, I looked at all his pictures, his videos, his wall. I felt like a complete and utter creep. It didn't end there, I continued trying to text him, he didn't really seem that interested in me.

he wasn't at all. Turns out.

I wasn't "mean" enough for him. He judged me on the first impression I gave. Just because I seem like a softy on the outside doesn't mean that I have no constitutions or thoughts of my own. I do, and I always will, and I'm way meaner than he thinks.

But that was the excuse he gave me.

But that's really never an excuse to give anyone. I thought he would have been straightforward, but he wasn't.

I guess it was mainly my fault for trying to get in so deep so quick. I just have a tendency to open myself up to people. I went even so far to even write him a song. Don't get me wrong, i'm not THAT much of a creeper. I write songs in less than 5 minutes, and he just inspired me to write a song. That must have creeped him out. It wasn't his fault though, I'm just Ian that way.

I imagined myself with him so much in the past week. Sickly delusions of having him in my arms and such, when I know a guy like that would never really like me back. He just seemed like the perfect example of a guy that I would date in my head.

But what can I do? When I don't have the ability to keep my feelings inside.

I feel really bad now, like I've been torn apart, when I shouldn't be. I feel used. I feel like a booty call. (a not very good one at that.) Why did I kid myself all this time?

Proves that I probably will never find somebody to love.

Just because I always expect the same amount that I invested in return. I always invest too much, so no person would ever be able to give me that much back in return.

I thought he was amazing. Everything I want, and always wanted in a guy.

Most guys I come across aren't even my type.

But he is my type.

But he doesn't give a fuck if I live or die.

so.

I'm making a revelation.

I shall learn from someone I once knew, Wui Yang, and detach myself from any need of a relationship.

I don't need a guy that doesn't appreciate me for who I am.

or a guy that doesn't care enough to text me.

or a guy who's sole intention when engaging a guy is lust.

I'm sick of the immature retards out there who can't seem to comprehend any communal ethics;

I'm sick of the people who are just so selfish.

That night meant more to me than to him.

It's not his fault.

It's all mine, and mine alone.

I'm done.

Ian.

Vloggo Firsto Attempto

First attempt at vlogging haha.

Tell me what you think

Be kind! it's my first.

Caffeine Inebriation.

Love,

Ian.